Laid Off!

Working in the corporate culture has always been somewhat of a mystery to me. How the engines of managerial structure fits together into a whole company? I don’t quite know. How is it that they constantly hire people and still fire people for cutting costs is also a thing I am unable to comprehend?

I got laid off. It is a hard truth. There isn’t anything pleasant about being laid off but I do try to find humor in it sometimes. It is funny how you can work your a** for a company and they would still fire your a** right out.

Often, it happens, that when people deliver you bad news, they call you out of your daily jibber jabber and give you the enormous news that they know would change your life forever and yet they hope it doesn’t. That is in equal measure hypocritical and kind. I cannot decide which one fits the bill better.

Once you know that bad news awaits you, you kind of separate yourself from your self and just wander around. I often find myself ghosting when I get bad news. As if the knowledge has destroyed me so much, that I get clarity. I don’t mean to say that my pain of being fired is anyway as drastic as finding out someone died or that you are terminally ill.

However, when someone tells you that you’re fired – it is a very unpleasant experience (maybe similar to a colonoscopy). They sit you down and say, “I’m very sorry to inform you but you are being let go due to <jibber jabber reasons>”. They would keep a face so placid and so impeccable that only a person administering you with poison would be proud of the calm on this person’s face.

I’m told a few times that it isn’t personal – this has nothing to do with my performance. All I feel like saying is, “F*** Y**, you can’t fire me and say it isn’t PERSONAL. YOU are NOT getting fired. It is PERSONAL to me.” I, however, stay quiet. At this point, I would like to point out that I wasn’t bad at my job – I felt I was good at it. I liked it and I did put in a lot of time over the past few months.

Also, there would be one person from HR who would walk you through your final payments or whatever they would call it. They start talking about it, and you stop them and ask them for a minute. Of course you NEED a minute. You can’t tell someone that you’re dying and in the next moment ask them what casket they want.* It isn’t just harsh, it feels unnecessary.

I feel like being laid off is probably part of the service industry. However, it isn’t just that – it also makes you reflect upon everything you do. You see yourself clearly and you kind of question whether what you’re doing in life is the right thing or not.

I’m questioning that too as I’m hunting for new jobs. I’m asking myself if doing something I’m okay at just so that I could pay my bills is a good idea. Would I always live in this fear of being thrown out of a company now? Will I ever be able to get over this?

* I’m sorry if I compared my losing a job to someone dying or being terminally ill, I am not undervaluing human life in any way. I am not trying to be insensitive.


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