Have you questioned your assumptions recently? Like for instance, have you questioned if you can ever get an A in math? Have you ever questioned that you will make a lot of money if you work hard? Have you ever questioned that if you wait you will find the love of your life? Have you ever questioned that you will be loved at all?
I just realized we take these things for granted. We assume if we work hard enough, we can all get a A or if we work hard enough, we will all be promoted or if we meet people and try hard we will find the love of our lives. What if all your assumptions were wrong? What if even after toiling your entire lifetime you cannot solve a calculus problem, or what if nobody ever loves you? These people call insecurities, but aren’t they all just probabilities of things happening? I can’t help but wonder that is hope killing us or keeping us going? Which of the two is it?
Hoping that tomorrow would be a better day, that math would seem easier, you will find your dream, you will make more money, you will find the love of your life. These are things that let you sleep at night. Things that comfort you to believe that things will get better. I just thought to myself, what if they never do? What if you are stuck in a dull, boring job you hate for the rest of your life? What if there was no moving forward for you? What if all there is, all there ever will be is this sense of dissatisfaction and loneliness? If that’s what you have, you will ever have, what should you do?
Kill yourself? Keep on living the way you are hoping? Change? What to do?
If you ask my opinion, the best option is to love your misery. Become so bitter that nothing can ever hurt you again. Fucking bad advise yes? But it is still better than me telling you go and die. Cs that’s not what I am gonna do. I have questioned my assumptions only to find that they are just hopes to save the dignity for a child, an adolescent and a woman and nothing more. I am not anything, and I want to feel the pain of being nothing to anyone. I know for sure that unless I am seeped deep in hurt, I can never learn to not care. And I am going to learn just that. Sayonara people. I don’t want to write anymore, I don’t think I will ever be anything so what’s the point? It is my life to waste now. To live in the gutters if I please.