Personal: do not read

I look at this ring I own, I got it as a gift. It is really pretty and everything one wants in a ring. It is perfect. It is carved with a lot of effort and is insanely precious with a beautiful diamond sitting in the middle. It is everything everyone could want in a ring. I chose it. There were four options and I chose this one and to be frank, I am proud of my choice. I have worn it once but it feels rusty now. I don’t mean it has actual oxidation happening n it’s surface but it is rusty. Old. It feels worn out. My life is this ring.

I chose it. It is precious and everyone envy’s it. There are material things. Beautiful things. Like the iPad I type on. The phone I own, the ring I am wearing. There is everything in my life that I never wanted, and nothing that I really did. This ring reminds me of the fact that I am sorely incomplete. The ring doesn’t even fit my ring finger. I just can’t believe it that I skulked around people pretending I have this and that when I am the most empty person I know. I have nothing to fill my life with. No love. No friendships to last a lifetime. No companionship of any sort as I threw them all away believing something better would turn up. Sadly, it didn’t. I became immoral, unreal and materialistic. I love my things cos that’s all I have. I have nothing real. Nothing to last me a lifetime.

As I look at this ring, I bitterly cry to myself thinking of my age and lost times. All the things I have become. All the things I did not want to become. Where has my life come to? Why have I not taken decisions and let it float around? I don’t have answers so I will probably not ask these questions after a while.. But thinking about it only made me realize that I am empty. So empty that I fill myself with fear. I am scared of everything: new, old, present, future. Everything. I hope there is nobody in the world who feels as shitty as I do right now. Toodles.

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