That time in high school when everything was changing. People were getting accepted into schools, people were falling in love and forgetting their friends. People were planning their lives. I was scared then. I didn’t have a plan then. I still don’t. After university, the same fear returned, the fear of change. How will I ever meet my friends? We live in different places. Scary thought. I didn’t have a clue. I still don’t know how I keep in touch or lose touch. The thing is change is often painful. But does it really have to?

I am having one of those days when I desperately need a change. I got a haircut. Spent an hour in beauty centers. I need a change. Those days I wonder, how is it that sometimes we are so desperately trying to not have a change and others we really want it. Is change really a bad thing then or are we just confused individuals here not sure what we want. I am trying to enroll into a gym or get an activity or something. The truth is, I am just not feeling it. It meaning the adrenaline. The rush. The zha zha zhu like Carrie Bradshaw calls it. I am not feeling good about life. Human time is so limited and I feel like I have never felt it. I have never felt the high. Natural high. Adrenaline rush. I have never been able to cycle down a mountain slope. I am too scared. I cannot swim in open seas, I am too scared. Am I missing out on life because I am too scared? I cannot help but wonder.

I was talking to my friend and she asked me what did I like. I like books, I like to write. I like dancing. I like music. I like to be myself. I like being pushed. I like not having the option to complain sometimes. I like to be happy. I like all these things. But most importantly, I like to feel alive. Not just when I get to shop all on my own and I have my own credit card and stuff. I like to feel alive while doing things. I like to draw something completely hideous. Paint with colors all over the place. I like to have a mess to clear sometimes. I like to feel alive. I haven’t felt it in such a long time. I keep thinking maybe it is a person who will make me feel alive. To be honest, I have started to believe maybe it is not.

To feel alive, I believe you need to be at peace with yourself. You need to be doing feeling the zha zha zhu on your own. Maybe I have lost my marbles, but maybe the butterflies in your stomach when you meet somebody you really like is just something u feel you are missing in yourself. What if you can trigger the butterflies for yourself? Like a really odd ted talk told me, some woman could have orgasm by just flicking the ear or something. What if, the butterflies, love, everything that is making us feel so incomplete is actually in our power to achieve but we can’t do it because we are scared or pathetic in some other way.

They said if you are scared of needles you cannot be a doctor, so I didn’t become a doctor. But what if you are scared of living, would you rather be dead? If you are scared of living, should you be dead? I don’t know. But I can’t help wonder if everything that is good and great and what we need might just be inside our own heart and we are ignoring it.

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