Monthly Archives: August 2011

Why I can’t quit

Okay fine, I will cut the crap of saying anything about how addiction is bad. I am addicted. You might ask to? Many things. From, my laptop to my friends. I am addicted. I am addicted to destruction. I am addicted to being addicted.

So yes, it is difficult to quit. Any of it. Though the thing I have been trying to quit is my laptop. Somehow I can’t. I don’t plan on not quitting, I do plan to quit, but every time I close the thing, I have to open it again. Why can’t I quit, I don’t know? I think, I am trying to not face myself and without the laptop I would have to. I wouldn’t have a choice.

Okay, so I will go. I will try again tomorrow. Maybe this time, I will succeed.


This is definitely not a life lesson

Making choices is hard for everyone, and if you are someone like me, its even harder. I can’t decide which food to order when I go to a restaurant or what ice cream I want. Usually I go with the easier, or reliable options but then there are times I experiment.

One day, I read somewhere about a wise way to decide what you really want. For me, I don’t know what I really want. Then, the way is to flip a coin and ask yourself the question right when the coin is in the air. You will usually get the answer of what you really want it to be. That is what you want. It’s a lesson for those who can’t make choices, but don’t make your life’s choices based on what you want. Think a bit logically folks, though doing always what you want, isn’t so bad either! I haven’t tried living like that because mostly I am not sure what I want.

Okay, just go and breathe. Take it in, and don’t listen to me if you have better ways of making decisions. If you do, please tell me what they are!


Things I have learnt about life: Lesson 3

Self destruction. I wanted to write a whole sentence about self-destruction but then, it made more sense to let the word alone because you see, self destruction is a lonely concept. If you are someone, who likes or practices or just by habit are used to self destructing you will find yourself alone for good reasons. So, self destruction is something we all practice when we get angry, jealous, and sometimes even when we are sad. Negative emotions urges us to do stupid things, from some people becoming addicted to alcohol, smoking or drugs (which are forms of self destruction), some people just push others away (yes, that’s a way of self destruction). We all have done this at some point in our lives, though most of us recover from the self destructive phase and move on with life. Some of the beings who get into cycles of self destruction, need saviors to save them from themselves.

So after writing about exactly how this particular trait in all of us beings work, why is it a life lesson? The lesson here is, no good will come out of it. People might sympathize with you for a while, you might enjoy the pity, now and then you might also find someone willing to save you for a while but you know it you will go back into the cycle again. In all AA groups and also any sort of therapy sessions the first step is to admit you have a problem. If you know you like to be miserable, or that you are miserable most of the time, then you probably are self destructive and you need help. If you need help, go and get it. Really, it is essential you admit that some part of your life is self destructive or all of it is. It is essential that you find a way of living which satisfies your dreams, find you hope and not leave you alone at the end of it all.

I like to self destruct, so yes when I talk I talk from experience. I need someone or the other to help me live a better life except that I love living in the mess. Also, the saviors are the people I need to save myself from, they are the cause of my self destructive life. It’s like everyone who shows me even a little love, I obsess about them and then become all self destructive. I like to think I can love people more than others can, which believe me is BULLSHIT (forgive me for the language), but the fact being that  I can’t love anyone because I need someone to love. You need to want it. All of us, should want someone to love, not to need someone to love. Needing is like for air and water, not for people, especially if you have a family and friends, you only need someone if its like you just like to obsess. So yes, I have an annoying habit of self destructing.

I have learnt to try controlling the urges which lead to such behavior, I try to stay away from people, I try to push them away from the beginning, because I know one day I will push them away to see if they come back but better way is to not be too close to them to begin with. Its the same as living life in reverse except that its completely different. 😛 I live like a person with OCD, I might have one as well, except my OCD is other human beings which is difficult to control as there are 7 billion-1 of them on the planet Earth. So yeah, try not be self destructive, in case you are, go see a psychologist. It is mostly a phase, it will pass!

Just a simple observation

Being on social networking site somehow gives u a peek into everyone’s personal life, the thing here being that I know about many old school mates personal life whose life I have no clue about existed when I went to school with them. So basically my point here was, I see people writing about how they are working or how their fiance’s are awesome, how they are in love, or doing things they want to do but the problem here being that my life seems nothing like theirs. Its not that I want my life to be normal or something, I don’t know what my life has become. Like, I like having a different life but then the everything from the marks I got in school, to how I did in college points out to the fact that my life is average, like really mundane and ordinary, but I am not happy like the rest of the ordinary people.

Like I wonder, if I want things that normal people do, I don’t get them and when I want things that not-so-normal people do then the whole universe takes it as a personal responsibility to tell me that I am not anything more than ordinary. I have no skills, no talents, I am not happy. So, I am an ordinary miserable person which somehow doesn’t make sense to me because my misery makes it all not so ordinary.

I don’t think I made much sense there. I just saw my Facebook wall and noticed how many people had pictures with their boyfriends, and I thought to myself, “Oh God, am I even living in the same world as the rest of them? I have been lonely since I remember it, the few friends I have, don’t really think much of me, have I even lived?” So yeah, this post is just my reaction to if I have lived.

I hope you all are living different lives than I am, cos I want my life to be different but also because you gotta admit mine kind of sucks.


The Pensieve

The idea of Pensieve as in, the Harry Potter series is quite awesome when you think about it. I wonder if anyone would ever think of actually doing that to the human brain using technology.

I was just thinking like, because all Pensieve does is store memories, and all of us beings have genuine memories in the form of electronic waves or signals sent throughout our brain as neuron impulses. They are all electric signals, so what if we could monitor them, or just store them somewhere, then can we store our memories forever. Also our feelings, it’s an interesting thing to think about.

So yeah, I think we should all give a thought that if it is possible to build a real life pensieve and if we did, how would it work. I would think as well, and get back to you on this. For now, goodnight!

Things I have learnt about life: Lesson 2

Immunity is something we learn about when we are somewhere in the 5th grade and we study about the immunity of the human body but no one tell us that immunity can be more than physical. Physical immunity is just something the body builds after fighting many infections and diseases over time. It is a protective layer, and so is emotional immunity. Human beings become immune emotionally too. I have learn it.

The first love is important and special not just because it is the first time, but also because after that break up nothing hurts as much because your heart becomes immune. It is weird how that would happen. Its somehow similar to the fact that the first time a teacher scolds you, you feel bad, but if you get scolded everyday you probably stop caring about it. You become immune to it. So, human beings are programmed to become immune to certain things, after going through bad experiences, hurt and trauma. Nothing hurts more than the first time you get hurt. It is new and fresh, as nothing is most enjoyable than the first time you do it.

The first time someone climbs a mountain, or the first time someone learns a dance, it is the best feeling. Slowly, the thrill disappears even though the enjoyment stays. I am not saying that things are not fun after the first time, otherwise people won’t be doing the same job for most of their lives, or be married to the same person. All I mean it, when something new happens, good or bad, it throws us off, but slowly all of us homo sapiens develop a sort of immunity to it.

Immunity is something that comes naturally to all of us beings, even though we don’t quite see it coming, and we don’t quite analyze it until we are scared of getting AIDS or something. It is not just physical, and that’s the best part. I don’t know how good it is that we can’t experience things with an awe but the fact remains that after a while the flavor, color and newness of something fades off and then all that remains is the feeling that it is cool or awesome.

People learn to deal with pain in the same way. If it becomes a part of their lives then they become immune to it. I have a friend who has diabetes. She has had it since she was in the 11th grade and now reflecting back I know the insulin that she injects herself with is not as painful anymore. It gets less painful as time goes by because she has become immune to the pain of it. She has learnt to live with it. To someone who is not getting injected everyday, a simple syringe might give them a panic attack but one learns to be immune to that pain.

Emotionally immune people are everywhere. We all are immune to some emotions. People who don’t react to death, loss, failure are probably immune to sadness. They are living with sadness in everyday life in a way such that even major events of sadness do not make them feel any worse. These same people would get overly excited on small events of happiness because those are rare for them. We all learn to be immune to some emotion. Living in the wild, or even living alone would make one immune to fear of being lonely because one is always lonely.

Fear, sadness, pain- we can all become immune to these emotions but somehow, one can’t become immune to happiness. The fact that I discovered was that one cannot be immune to anything positive, yes one can get used to it, sometimes ignore it, but can never become immune to it. Happiness or anything that brings happiness to us, will always be a source of joy, it doesn’t matter how small or big it is. It doesn’t matter how much it has changed over the years. Things that make you happy will continue to do so, and if they don’t make you happy anymore, it means that it never gave you true happiness. True happiness never fades, it is constant. A mother can always look at their child and smile. A child would always be a source of joy to their parents, unless their child is a murderer. (sorry for the inappropriate joke there)

A thought

A friend quoted Woody Allen to me saying that: “I don’t want to be immortal by my work, I want to be immortal, by you know not dying” which made me laugh and also, made me think.

You think too! Just wanted to share this! Felt like people don’t think enough.

Things I have learnt about life: Lesson 1

I know its always easy to call oneself a philosopher, as its easy to call oneself spiritual, or a believer, these things can’t be measured. We can’t measure if someone is a philosopher, spiritual leader or even a believer, we just need to take their word for it and their actions. The problem is actions lie, and I don’t even want to talk about how sinful words are. It’s weird cos we never think of how much lying we commit in a day, even those days when we don’t say one significant lie. Our lies begin with, “There was a big traffic jam on the highway”, goes on to, “I am busy, can’t talk to you now” and ends with, “I am sorry, I won’t do it again”. These are all lies, or I would like to believe they are for now. For example, if someone is really stuck in a jam and they want to get wherever are needed, first thing they would call and apologize, people don’t apologize or make excuses later on because they feel sorry or obliged, they do so cos they want to save their jobs or get out of  a bad situation. I might be wrong, but I think most people agree that to avoid any conflict we tell such simple lies. The one about being busy, is not much of a lie, its a signal for the ones who are trying to talk to you, it means get lost I will call you when I need you, otherwise I don’t give a damn about you (sorry for the language but it’s true) and the last one, about being sorry, no one means sorry when they say it, at least not anymore, people who mean it, show it, in their actions.

So from that quick analysis we have concluded, everybody lies. It might sound like something you heard on House (in case, you haven’t seen it, you are missing out on something) but the fact is, its true. I got the initial idea from there only, but I became sure when people around me started lying. My friends lie to me all the time, I accept it because I know the alternative is to not be friends with them, which is stupid because even I lie to them. Funny, how human beings go from fighting about ownership issues on a pencil case to lying flat to their friends about why they don’t want to talk to them. Its simple enough on some level and a lie on another. We all like to believe that lies make life easier, they don’t really. Lies are just lies, they are needed sometime because one wants to be polite, or one is just a jerk, whatever may be the reason, good or bad, a lie is still a lie. The question I ask myself is, do I want to be lied to? If I expect honesty from one human being, I owe them honesty too. That’s the reason answer. Honesty is a deal, a pact, you give and take.

I don’t want some people to lie to me, ever. It is because their opinions matter or because I love them so much, or just because they are the center of all my thoughts. But doesn’t our parents lie about tooth fairies and Santa Claus? How viable is their lie? They are not, if you think about it, but does their lie make a difference to how one perceives the world? Probably not. Does their lie shatter anyone’s whole existence? Only if you are Santa Claus or tooth fairy. So, their lie is completely harmless. Sometimes, their lies are harmful as well. Every time a parent lies they are just telling their kids its okay to lie. I know it sounds cruel, but isn’t it better to accept the world is harsh that make stories about how wonderful it is. I know I am going to be a terrible mother 😛

I haven’t concluded anything, just gave an insight into a lesson I learnt today, lying makes you human, being a liar doesn’t. Choose the lies carefully, don’t hurt anyone with them, and don’t create illusions you know will break, don’t try to help with lies, lies do not help. I have decided to be honest with some people in my life, cos I think they deserve it. I hope some people, if anyone ever reads this, they should also do the same. Be honest. Its not such a bad thing. It might save your life, and it would definitely save your heart.