Maybe

I have a story to tell today. I realized it was high time I told this little anecdote. I was in high school when I met my soulmate. I know many of us don’t believe in soulmates, I didn’t as well until I actually met him. He was the person who completed me in a way that no one else could. I did not believe that it was possible for me to ever feel at peace with anyone or anywhere in this world but then, I was. I was at peace and I did not realize how much I was counting on that peace and calmness until it was gone.

This is the story of a decision I made, I decided to not be. I don’t yet regret that decision but I know at some point I will. So yes, as I was saying I met my soulmate when I was in high school. I did not fancy him, I did not even like him, but once I got to know him, he was the best person I had known. He was my first closest friend. He was closer to my heart more than anyone would ever be. I did not ever think of falling in love with him because I knew what we had was way special. For those people who don’t believe me, you haven’t been lucky enough to meet your soulmate. So, our relationship was complicated, but it was also simple because we loved each other more than anything else in the world and that was all about it.

It was later I realized, love is not enough. Love is never enough to sustain a relationship. Quite frankly, what we had was not really a romantic relationship. It was close companionship but without any passion (at least from his side, as for me I was passionate about him, I was obsessed with him, addicted to him) and it was comforting because it was something I believed would last for a lifetime. Later, I did come to know that nothing lasts forever and I never understood what people mean by a lifetime together. Anyways, so we were friends but we were more, we were more than lovers actually we were closer as individuals than lovers could be. We were completely honest with each other. We were perfect in every sense except that we were not.

When you leave high school, you change and the problem is you can never anticipate how much that change would be. He changed in university, became this whole new person, a person I barely knew who was only a shadow of the guy who was my soulmate. This change in him did not change our relationship though, yes it did cause many minor hiccoughs though. I was possessive like a girlfriend and he was always busy, I was demanding and we fought, I was alone and he was not so we fought. We fought and fought, and every time when we made up it seemed more stronger. I think that was the beauty of it, we learnt so much about each other by living away from each other.

As I said, people change after high school and so did I. That change was not easy to take, not for him and not for me. I was demanding in a different way, we fought for different reasons, things that were perfectly normal and understood between us were questioned. The status of our relationship was argued upon and as anyone but I could have predicted that did not end well. I don’t know when I changed whether I wanted our relationship to change or not but I got tired of pretending that what we had was real. It did not fit in the world’s ideas and I threw away my own beliefs because I accepted the ones that were of the world.

So yes, we broke up, not in the sense of breaking up with your boyfriend, I just like calling it a break-up because that’s more dramatic. The funny thing was like for a weekend I felt I couldn’t breathe and then everything was back to normal. We were in different parts of the world, in university, had different sets of friends and so whatever happened with us did not matter at all. I was shocked as to how much it did not affect me. Maybe I always knew it would happen, I don’t know.

The reason why this story is a maybe is because there is always a maybe in my life. I know I have kind of lost my soulmate, I know he was the only one person I wanted to spend my life with (oh yeah, that is true.. I don’t know though if I wanted a relationship with him or not, I am still not sure) but I know that one day maybe it would all fall into place. Maybe one day he would understand that it did not matter if I needed him or not, I wanted him and that was more than enough. Maybe one day we would be in the same city again and we would rediscover each other and until that maybe is my only hope. Maybe is what I live for.

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