The thing that’s wrong with my life is that I don’t know how my anger functions. It explodes at different people at random times and the source of it is unknown to me most of the times. I have always thought of myself as more of a calm person but recently I don’t know how every small thing makes me angry. This world angers me, frustrates me and turn me violent. I was a dormant volcano suddenly made active, or a Hungarian Horntail transformed into a fully functional dragon. I don’t feel good about getting angry at people but I can’t help it. I hurt a lot of people along the way of releasing my frustrations but what to do, I don’t really care about hurting them anymore. I think the innate cause of my anger might be the fact that I stopped caring about people. I never really decided upon doing such a thing but I just did stop caring. It was more of a conscious decision but there were reasons for it. All my life I have cared a lot about people, single individuals actually. All of them were my friends, good friends but never the best because to them I was never good enough to be what I wanted to be in their lives. I was their friend when everyone else would walk out on them. I was always the last resort for everyone, from my closest of friends to even my parents. I was assigned with a task only when they felt that no one else could do it, with the faith that I was incapable of doing that particular task.
I have been shoved off from people’s life as a spider is from the bed or something. It has always been this way, and when you grow old and you realize that no one gives a damn about you, it does break your heart, not because you were expecting otherwise but because you are made to question your whole existence. I don’t know why people don’t care about me. I have my theories and they are not really supported by any hard evidence but, there is this one thing I have learnt that I wish to tell everyone, it is all about the looks. I am not that superficial or I did not believe in superficiality but since I have become an adult I learnt a few things, but the most important conclusion was that people who look good can achieve almost anything. There was this concept I learnt in a management class I took, the class was pretty useless but that lesson was true. One particular attribute of an individual can overpower all their other qualities and usually this attribute is physical looks. This is called the halo effect. Basically, there are studies conducted that proves that people who look better tend to get jobs easily. This surely does not effect the A graders and the geeks but the average not-so-good-looking people do suffer because of it.
The fact that world is superficial angers me. I am not upset just because I am ugly (which I totally am) but because I cannot be anything more than that because the human beings in the world refuse to give me that chance. It’s weird more for me as I have always thought that the world was not superficial. I thought, believed rather that people could look beyond physical attractiveness and see the soul of the person. Somehow, I have been wrong on this, completely. I don’t think I am a bad person and I am not boasting about my greatness, just that when I compare myself to my more attractive looking friends then I don’t think I am any worse than they are. Still, they are more loved. I am not only because I am not beautiful enough. The fact that physical attractiveness buys one love is an incomprehensible concept to me but it is a real one now.
And if you have still any doubts, yes I am an woman. I just added that for those very few people who would judge me. Go ahead, judge me all you want, but I don’t think I have written even one word here that is not true.