This was the status of one of my friends and it got me thinking, did I want the same? I am always cynical about whatever happens in this world, about my existence in this universe, or rather if there should be an existence? And somehow, I have always felt like it wouldn’t make a difference if I did not exist. It would make a difference to no one. But then, it would make a difference to me, if I don’t exist I do not exist (sounds better when you say it).
Human life is valuable and I think we have all learnt that when we were taught not to murder anyone. I don’t know when we were taught that though, now that I think about that I don’t remember being taught that killing is a crime I have just always known it. Maybe I have known it for so long that it doesn’t seem to have come from an external source of information. The thing I was saying was that human life is valuable, most of us think so (or I hope most of us do). Yet, somewhere down the line some of us decide to not value our own life. Suicidal attempts are more common now that they were in the 90s. The reason for that would probably be that there are more stressful factors governing our lives now than they were two decades back.
How does one individual come to the conclusion that their life is worthless? Let me just tell you how I got there. I was never an A grade student, I always wanted to be but I was lazy and then when I worked I never really made to the top so I sort of stopped trying and became a C grade student by the time I was in university. I was a hopeless romantic when I started off as a teenager and then suddenly all my romantic fantasies went out in the drain because love was not meant for me, I figured. I never decided what to do in life because I believed that one day I would find my destiny but as time went by I realized what if there wasn’t any destiny to be fulfilled by me? What if I had nothing to contribute in this world? The sad part is, this was all I lived for, I needed to know that love would one day happen for me, I wanted to discover my destiny and I wanted to be an A grade student. All of it were surreal fantasies of my past that were haunting my present as I had decided to live in the moment.
Then one day, I thought of all the things I wanted now, the things I had no idea existed when I was a kid, and I would throw away the possibility of having them if I decide to die today. I would be cheating myself by hindering the learning and experiencing process called life. I cannot give up on the new things, on learning new languages, learning how to play a guitar or dance just because my previous dreams never came true. I still feel that my life is worthless, actually I am sure it is to anyone except me, but for me, my life is worth the seven billion other people or at least it should be because I only think as long as I exist. If I want to change anything in the world, if I want to find my destiny, I need to exist for that.