Monthly Archives: June 2011

Incomplete thoughts

There is something I realized about myself today, something I did not know. I do not go back to incomplete projects of mine. If there is an incomplete painting I would probably not complete it, a draft of writing it would remain a draft forever, even an unwritten thought would never be presented to the world because I dare not complete things that get left in the midway.

Another weird thing about life is that I believe in destiny so if something does not get completed I blame it on fate. I always find an easy way out of my laziness and try not to think why I left something in the middle. I lack patience and determination. I like to do projects that I could complete in a day because I do not have the determination to go with it for more than a single day. Sadly, I have reached a point in my life where it is most essential that I work on things for more than a day.

Oh and the sadly is for my laziness and my short attention span, it’s actually a good thing for my overall development. One example of my incomplete, or lack of interest projects would be this blog. I have tried having a blog before. I would not divulge the name of it mainly because it contains no posts and also because my secret identity should remain a secret (Yes, I am a Samurai warrior, ready to attack anybody who crosses my path). I just feel that my enthusiasm to keep this blog has been lost as well, and not because I don’t enjoy saying things to the world but mainly because at some point I got scared away from my own writing.

The thing is, I know people who write better and I am under a complex that I am not good enough. So why do something I cannot do well? Hence, I want to quit. I might as well, who knows. For now, I just feel that I have left many loose ends in life and I don’t really want to give up on writing for now, so I will come back every few days and write about my experience or some thing I did. I do many things, though I am trained for almost nothing. Actually I am trained for nothing.

I just feel that slowly my thoughts need to be completed. I know it sounds kind of silly, but you grow out of being a high school teenager and become this adult who does need answers and I feel I am that person. I need to complete things I begin. Whether it’s an embroidery, painting or essay, they all need to get an ending. So, I think I will make sure from now on that I end what I begin. I don’t want even the non-living to think of me as an escapist (which I completely am, but more on that later). I want to be proud of doing whatever it is I want to do. I don’t know that yet. I am still discovering myself, rather wasting my life.

I think I would be good at reaching conclusions and also at endings. So, I would like to raise a glass to new beginnings and long awaited endings. Oh, by the way, I do not have a glass to raise right now but still, metaphorically to endings and to beginnings. I just feel that this one sounds like the post of beginnings now. I should just add about incomplete thoughts. Incomplete thoughts do not always mean that you don’t know where they are going, sometimes it just means you don’t know where they came from. Another interesting point about incomplete,

“Not all that is incomplete is worthless, not all that is complete priceless”

 

Building your dreams

When we are really small, everything has an awe to it, but slowly as we grow up we begin to lose that awe and just become narrow minded. It is easier for kids to dream of fantasies and believe that they would become real, but for an adult, we deal in practicalities. We deal in the more realistic, more achievable dreams in our lives. Dreams are more the figments of imagination put together by our subconscious, it is the mirror with which we can see what we really want. I know it sounds very Freudian to believe that dreams could have some hidden meaning but I believe it does. Not the ones that we have at night, but the ones which we build each and every day.

Many a times, when one is going through high school and college they are questioned where do you see yourself in five or ten years. Those answers are the individual aspirations each human being cherishes. The point being that we all dream and we all can build our dreams. The problem is no one is really sure when one should stop dreaming. Each of us have a sort of boundary beyond which our brains would probably not dream because they become unrealistic. Any such boundary is different for most individuals and the reason being that the willpower and effort each person is willing to put into making his/her dream come true is different. There is no inhibition for a five year old but their imagination is also smaller than someone who is older and wiser. It is kind of sad that a forty year old doesn’t dream of riding a dragon and conquering the world because the imagination of a forty year is more capable of forming those images in accurate details.

We build our dreams all around our lives so that we can chase them. It is weird that none of the human beings who are older than ten would fantasize about an unreal world, and I might be offending many Harry Potter and Twilight fans out there but seriously all those fans are well aware that they are reading fiction, unless there are some under the illusion that it is all real. Chasing dreams is as much fun as building them, but it might be more frustrating at times because the time needed to make a dream into a reality is undecided.

Building one’s dream is quite a responsibility, maybe because one’s future somehow shapes according to their dreams. Most important part of building a dream, is to build it yourself. It should not be any one else’s. Your dream should be your own, it should be a private ritual to create your own dream. Next step is to discuss it with people, though be careful not to let them steal your ideas but discussing dreams might be a bit helpful in expanding them and getting the details accurately. The next is the most important step of making them real. We all think that our dreams are too stupid or unreal, but as long as you are not dreaming of vampires and unicorns, your dreams are very real.

Once a dream is born, it unravels itself around your life in a way that the more you try escaping it, the more you come across it. Once you have a dream you cannot kill it, the only thing you can do is keep chasing it unless you finally get it or modify it to fit the achievable. It is quite sad if one has to give up their dream cos every dream is like a small baby that you nurture in order to one day finally leave it out in the world to see.

Building dreams is somewhat like building house. One needs a model but everyone has a preference and each of us can contribute something to build their own personal dream. If you haven’t got a dream yet, close your eyes and get started. It is never too late to dream.

I can’t write

I have been unable to write anything for a couple of days and it’s not like things have not happened or that my perception has not changed but just that, I am unable to write. I have questioned myself as to why my pen would not produce words reflecting my inner confusions and my outer disturbances. I don’t know why my subconscious has stopped responding to the scraping sound of my pen on paper.

I cannot figure out why I can’t write but I do know many people who can. I know people who can create a new web of a universe in which there would be no confusions and would make perfect sense. I also know people who can tell stories in the most exquisite ways and nothing I write could ever be as well-etched as their characters are. I know people who can develop plots without knowing the ending and who can create opinions in a matter of seconds. I cannot write because I know I cannot write too well.

My heart bleeds for my miserable existence of lack of enough thoughts, ideas and even vocabulary to express myself. I cannot believe that the one career or the one thing I have ever wanted to know cannot be perfected in any way by me. I am not a writer nor an opinionated person. I am simple in thoughts, even though they are always a web of delusions, but they do exist. I cannot put them wisely into words though because they are not wise themselves.

I can’t even admit to the rest of the world that I am a lousy writer, though by writing this particular blog entry I pretty much am pronouncing it to the world of internet but seriously who in the world would ever read the stuff I write. I mean I am not a good writer. Sadly, I have always wanted to be a writer.

I always thought that words were the closest thing to me. I can express myself through words, whether prose or poem I have only been able to competent enough to be able to write.  I have never had an article published or no one has really ever read what I have written because quite honestly my writing is boring. I like my own writing only because it my voice. I am not a narcissist. I just can’t criticize my writing because like it comes from this place really deep in my heart.

So like I was saying, I can’t write. I have two incomplete drafts on this blog which I don’t know if I would publish because I don’t know if they would ever be complete. We all have the power of language because all cultures have their specific tongues. I don’t think we all use it well though because not everyone writes. If all seven billion people would start voicing their opinions in any language whatsoever I am not sure there is enough databases to store their ideas.

Anyways, my point being that I can’t write is not my inability of make senses but rather to think about any particular topic enough to come up with a few hundred words worth of writing. I am quite sure that if I started writing a story I would fail but maybe I should start. I have never tried it before I might as well give a real story a chance. I don’t have any story in my right now but maybe suddenly something might just occur to me.

 

what to do when everything goes wrong

I think the most difficult thing about planning any events is the number of external factors you cannot control, the more that number the greater possibility that everything will be ruined. I realized this while planning this birthday party for a friend recently. Firstly, never plan a birthday for someone who is too close to you, it doesn’t end well because you know too much to care too much, and then even the slightest things that go wrong would trigger you off. I wanted to plan this birthday because I wanted to give my friend the best birthday party and it isn’t turning out even slightly like I wanted.

I decided to dress up but my dress is incomplete, so that plan is out in the drain. Half of the people who are coming to this party will leave in 1 hour into the event. I don’t know whether the gift I have made is even good enough to give and it isn’t complete. I am supposed to have made posters which I haven’t. I haven’t even showered and I have some work in 3 hours. So basically, planning sucks. Most importantly, I wanted to plan it all myself but now, another friend is coming to help me. I don’t need help, I want to do this myself. I want to be able to give my friend the best birthday ever!

I am still wondering what to do now that everything for me is sort of ruined. Yes I know there have been worse birthdays but this one I wanted to be great. I should not want things in life, the universe takes it up as a personal responsibility to make sure I don’t get it. Now, I should go work, much work to do! Sorry if I wasted anyone’s time who read this.

Maybe

I have a story to tell today. I realized it was high time I told this little anecdote. I was in high school when I met my soulmate. I know many of us don’t believe in soulmates, I didn’t as well until I actually met him. He was the person who completed me in a way that no one else could. I did not believe that it was possible for me to ever feel at peace with anyone or anywhere in this world but then, I was. I was at peace and I did not realize how much I was counting on that peace and calmness until it was gone.

This is the story of a decision I made, I decided to not be. I don’t yet regret that decision but I know at some point I will. So yes, as I was saying I met my soulmate when I was in high school. I did not fancy him, I did not even like him, but once I got to know him, he was the best person I had known. He was my first closest friend. He was closer to my heart more than anyone would ever be. I did not ever think of falling in love with him because I knew what we had was way special. For those people who don’t believe me, you haven’t been lucky enough to meet your soulmate. So, our relationship was complicated, but it was also simple because we loved each other more than anything else in the world and that was all about it.

It was later I realized, love is not enough. Love is never enough to sustain a relationship. Quite frankly, what we had was not really a romantic relationship. It was close companionship but without any passion (at least from his side, as for me I was passionate about him, I was obsessed with him, addicted to him) and it was comforting because it was something I believed would last for a lifetime. Later, I did come to know that nothing lasts forever and I never understood what people mean by a lifetime together. Anyways, so we were friends but we were more, we were more than lovers actually we were closer as individuals than lovers could be. We were completely honest with each other. We were perfect in every sense except that we were not.

When you leave high school, you change and the problem is you can never anticipate how much that change would be. He changed in university, became this whole new person, a person I barely knew who was only a shadow of the guy who was my soulmate. This change in him did not change our relationship though, yes it did cause many minor hiccoughs though. I was possessive like a girlfriend and he was always busy, I was demanding and we fought, I was alone and he was not so we fought. We fought and fought, and every time when we made up it seemed more stronger. I think that was the beauty of it, we learnt so much about each other by living away from each other.

As I said, people change after high school and so did I. That change was not easy to take, not for him and not for me. I was demanding in a different way, we fought for different reasons, things that were perfectly normal and understood between us were questioned. The status of our relationship was argued upon and as anyone but I could have predicted that did not end well. I don’t know when I changed whether I wanted our relationship to change or not but I got tired of pretending that what we had was real. It did not fit in the world’s ideas and I threw away my own beliefs because I accepted the ones that were of the world.

So yes, we broke up, not in the sense of breaking up with your boyfriend, I just like calling it a break-up because that’s more dramatic. The funny thing was like for a weekend I felt I couldn’t breathe and then everything was back to normal. We were in different parts of the world, in university, had different sets of friends and so whatever happened with us did not matter at all. I was shocked as to how much it did not affect me. Maybe I always knew it would happen, I don’t know.

The reason why this story is a maybe is because there is always a maybe in my life. I know I have kind of lost my soulmate, I know he was the only one person I wanted to spend my life with (oh yeah, that is true.. I don’t know though if I wanted a relationship with him or not, I am still not sure) but I know that one day maybe it would all fall into place. Maybe one day he would understand that it did not matter if I needed him or not, I wanted him and that was more than enough. Maybe one day we would be in the same city again and we would rediscover each other and until that maybe is my only hope. Maybe is what I live for.

Anger

The thing that’s wrong with my life is that I don’t know how my anger functions. It explodes at different people at random times and the source of it is unknown to me most of the times. I have always thought of myself as more of a calm person but recently I don’t know how every small thing makes me angry. This world angers me, frustrates me and turn me violent. I was a dormant volcano suddenly made active, or a Hungarian Horntail transformed into a fully functional dragon. I don’t feel good about getting angry at people but I can’t help it. I hurt a lot of people along the way of releasing my frustrations but what to do, I don’t really care about hurting them anymore. I think the innate cause of my anger might be the fact that I stopped caring about people. I never really decided upon doing such a thing but I just did stop caring. It was more of a conscious decision but there were reasons for it. All my life I have cared a lot about people, single individuals actually. All of them were my friends, good friends but never the best because to them I was never good enough to be what I wanted to be in their lives. I was their friend when everyone else would walk out on them. I was always the last resort for everyone, from my closest of friends to even my parents. I was assigned with a task only when they felt that no one else could do it, with the faith that I was incapable of doing that particular task.

I have been shoved off from people’s life as a spider is from the bed or something. It has always been this way, and when you grow old and you realize that no one gives a damn about you, it does break your heart, not because you were expecting otherwise but because you are made to question your whole existence. I don’t know why people don’t care about me. I have my theories and they are not really supported by any hard evidence but, there is this one thing I have learnt that I wish to tell everyone, it is all about the looks. I am not that superficial or I did not believe in superficiality but since I have become an adult I learnt a few things, but the most important conclusion was that people who look good can achieve almost anything. There was this concept I learnt in a management class I took, the class was pretty useless but that lesson was true. One particular attribute of an individual can overpower all their other qualities and usually this attribute is physical looks. This is called the halo effect. Basically, there are studies conducted that proves that people who look better tend to get jobs easily. This surely does not effect the A graders and the geeks but the average not-so-good-looking people do suffer because of it.

The fact that world is superficial angers me. I am not upset just because I am ugly (which I totally am) but because I cannot be anything more than that because the human beings in the world refuse to give me that chance. It’s weird more for me as I have always thought that the world was not superficial. I thought, believed rather that people could look beyond physical attractiveness and see the soul of the person. Somehow, I have been wrong on this, completely. I don’t think I am a bad person and I am not boasting about my greatness, just that when I compare myself to my more attractive looking friends then I don’t think I am any worse than they are. Still, they are more loved. I am not only because I am not beautiful enough. The fact that physical attractiveness buys one love is an incomprehensible concept to me but it is a real one now.

And if you have still any doubts, yes I am an woman. I just added that for those very few people who would judge me. Go ahead, judge me all you want, but I don’t think I have written even one word here that is not true.

The value of a human life

“and if tomorrow i subtract myself, i hope you dont notice the difference.”

This was the status of one of my friends and it got me thinking, did I want the same? I am always cynical about whatever happens in this world, about my existence in this universe, or rather if there should be an existence? And somehow, I have always felt like it wouldn’t make a difference if I did not exist. It would make a difference to no one. But then, it would make a difference to me, if I don’t exist I do not exist (sounds better when you say it).

Human life is valuable and I think we have all learnt that when we were taught not to murder anyone. I don’t know when we were taught that though, now that I think about that I don’t remember being taught that killing is a crime I have just always known it. Maybe I have known it for so long that it doesn’t seem to have come from an external source of information. The thing I was saying was that human life is valuable, most of us think so (or I hope most of us do). Yet, somewhere down the line some of us decide to not value our own life. Suicidal attempts are more common now that they were in the 90s. The reason for that would probably be that there are more stressful factors governing our lives now than they were two decades back.

How does one individual come to the conclusion that their life is worthless? Let me just tell you how I got there. I was never an A grade student, I always wanted to be but I was lazy and then when I worked I never really made to the top so I sort of stopped trying and became a C grade student by the time I was in university. I was a hopeless romantic when I started off as a teenager and then suddenly all my romantic fantasies went out in the drain because love was not meant for me, I figured. I never decided what to do in life because I believed that one day I would find my destiny but as time went by I realized what if there wasn’t any destiny to be fulfilled by me? What if I had nothing to contribute in this world? The sad part is, this was all I lived for, I needed to know that love would one day happen for me, I wanted to discover my destiny and I wanted to be an A grade student. All of it were surreal fantasies of my past that were haunting my present as I had decided to live in the moment.

Then one day, I thought of all the things I wanted now, the things I had no idea existed when I was a kid, and I would throw away the possibility of having them if I decide to die today. I would be cheating myself by hindering the learning and experiencing process called life. I cannot give up on the new things, on learning new languages, learning how to play a guitar or dance just because my previous dreams never came true. I still feel that my life is worthless, actually I am sure it is to anyone except me, but for me, my life is worth the seven billion other people or at least it should be because I only think as long as I exist. If I want to change anything in the world, if I want to find my destiny, I need to exist for that.

Another day

Another day seems to go past away and I cannot think of anything I have done remarkable or anything worth knowing in the past 24 hours that I have survived in this harsh world. Somehow, this world gets more and more interesting every day. The human perception changes every micronsecond of our worthless existence. We laugh, we cry but we never really understand how every smile and every tear is affecting the way we look at the world. The world we know is not saintly and there isn’t much of a reason to it. Maybe it is because of the selfishness of mankind or the way mankind evolved through ‘survival of the fittest’ but whatever may be the reason, the world is not perfect. I do not say this because of the tonnes of noxious fumes being thrown into the atmosphere every day, or the tumultous amount of non-biodegradable rubbish being created, or the way one human being steps over the dreams of another to fulfill their own life’s destiny. There are many things that I find wrong with this mother Earth of ours but they are all my opinions. Some people might find it perfect and I will not disagree. I think the way the water rises and falls in the oceans is perfect, the human body is perfect, the time of rise and set of sun is perfect. I just think that it is the homo sapiens who are causing the imperfections, we are the one vilyfying the mother nature. Not all individuals contribute to the greatness of civilization, but all the beings do add up to the problems. In one way or another we all are misusing the Earth we love.

What I wonder the most is that even though I have these ideas in my head I cannot change the my lifestyle? I haven’t started recycling, or started saving water, or planted trees, or even saved electricity. I haven’t done anything for this land I live on in my entire existence and still somehow I feel I have the right to tell everyone else to do something about it. I am nothing but a hypocrite. Yet, I feel I am more split into these two people, like each of us are, into the person who likes to live peacefully without worrying about anything in the world and another who knows where we are driving the ship of this Earth. We all have at some point made speeches about environment preservation but barely any of us do anything about it. In schools, kids are taught to recycle but no one reinforces their behavior because at home, they see their parents living their lives without giving a thought about how their actions who effect the environment. The motivation to build good habits is not as essential as the one to keep them. In school, I have learnt that there are many countries where the basic need for clean water is not met but do I save water? No. It is hard to always keep tract of the environment especially because all this while we are so busy being selfish and self-involved. It isn’t a wrong thing to do. Thinking about oneself is good, all we need to do is believe that the environment is a part of ourself and the day we start being selfish about the environment the problems can be solved. I know, the tonnes of waste that already exist cannot be eradicated in a day, the number of vehicles and factories emitting fuels cannot be removed magically from the earth surface but if every day we do something little, something significant, we might be able to save the Earth we love.

All we need to do is that believe that no day is just another day, we can always do something to improve this world. Even though our contribution might seem insignificant to us, the sense of belonging to the planet would exponentially increase if we just become selfish about it for once. Our planet deserves better than being covered in the pile of rubbish the human beings create. The world is awesome and we know it, it’s high time we save it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yR3-CKTZetM

Beginnings

This is about beginnings. Small or big. It really doesn’t matter. Most beginnings are not as great as we want them to be, the best beginnings are usually those which are simple and the ones we don’t even know are real beginnings. There can be a beginning for an a day long adventure, or a life long adventure, a beginning consisting of many countries involved and some beginnings just happen in solitude. All beginnings have one thing in common, it always begins with an ending.

One can always argue that this is not true, not all beginnings are a result of an ending. My question to any such argument is how is a beginning possible without being preceded by an ending. The beginning of a person’s life is also the ending of a nine months pregnancy. Change whenever caused has an ending followed by another new beginning. Like in the Semisonic’s song, ‘Closing time’ there’s a line that says ‘Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end’. I agree with it completely and not just because I like the song but because the thing about all beginnings is that it was preceded by an ending and that it would also end at some point.

I am not that fond of endings but when I think of all the beginnings it gives way to, I calm myself and think of the infinite possibilities it brings. With every ending, comes an infinite possible beginnings and though only one of them would be the chosen path for a human being, the idea that it could be so many is entralling. We all live in a world where people are constantly mobile, their relationships are mobile and so are their feelings. One should not regret for the endings but celebrate beginnings.

At graduations, when one is being sad about missing school or college, there is always the option of looking at it as a beginning. It might not be the best beginning or the beginning you wanted but there would be one beginning. The difference between an optimist and a pessimist is also by the way they look at an ending, they can look at the beginnings or just consider the end.

Something funny I realized about beginnings is that most people have a different account for it. The same beginning can consist of very different stories. For instance, two people who become friends later might remember their first meeting differently because both of those people might have felt different things at their beginning. The reality we perceive is always hindered by own subconscious ideas. The beginnings of any story can always be distorted to fit the ending. For instance, if two people start dating and then end up being marriage after many years, they would not admit that in the beginning they considered their relationship to be nothing but a fling. They would probably convince everyone that since the moment they met they were soulmates.

The beginning can be tampered with and so can be the ending, but the thing is they both even though considered highly important are of little significance. One can celebrate a beginning and mourn an ending yes, but no one really remembers a beginning or ending as much as one remembers the whole journey in between. We usually place too much significance in the beginnings and endings which makes us short sighted in seeing how much we have evolved throughout the process, from the beginning to the ending.